Fix this mess

My state of mind (and of body) the last two days: complete mess. I've been struggling with a lot of personal inefficiency and complete lack of focus and drive, in all aspects of my life. This has been going on for a long time, but it's been really taking it's toll this last year since starting my new job. Why has that made it worse?

Well, now I am home a lot less than I used to be, due to traveling for work. When I am traveling, it's very near impossible to be productive with anything. After work, if I go back to my hotel room, I immediately want to leave. I am never comfortable standing still as it is, but these pseudo crappy hotel rooms are just not inviting, plus a bigger part of the issue is that I'm not at these places long enough to feel comfortable. So I end up driving around. Or if I do stay at the hotel, I just fall into the usual internet distractions.

Ok, fine, so then when I DO get home, THEN I am totally productive and make the most of my time right? No...I either fall into these weird slumps where I just cannot get anything done, or fall back into the distractions. I do many little things to change this, to spur a change inside....rearrange my apartment's layout, give myself tasks, etc. None of that seems to work.

So I enter this neverending cycle where nothing every gets accomplished, and the bare minimum of what I have to do (usually related to menial tasks like getting pills paid, and prepping for work) is all that gets done....but THAT takes days to do when it should take hours at most.

I definitely need another internet break...but that's not the point of this post. I am merely rambling as I usually do, and here I go back into my main point...

So after a few days of the unfulfilling ritual described above, I am finally on my way to getting my work prep and packing done. Then I notice that my Sunpass transponder is nowhere to be found. I use a portable one for my rental cars. I end up spending an infuriating 3 hours searching throughout my apartment, my car, I even drove to the car rental place late at night, and stalked the back of the building to see if the car I rented was there, but it was not. I could have sworn it was unlikely to the point of near impossibility that I had left it in the car, because I remembered putting the rental cars ghetto sunpass back into place, and didn't see mine. So the most likely scenario was that I took it home, but ended up losing it and most likely throwing it away by accident as I cleaned my house.

This possibility really upset me, and my night was annoying ruined. I finally admitted defeat, and went on my way trying to finish my list of things to do.

This morning, when I picked up my rental car, there was no luck with the transponder. Eventually, as I was driving to Orlando (taking 95 - partially because it would leave me a bit closer to where I needed to go, and partially so I could avoid tolls [not that I couldn't just pay for them outright, but it would totally mess up the way I expense tolls for my job, which was another frustration added to the original one of losing the thing]), the guy calls me back and says it was still inside the car, it had just been returned. A bit annoyed because of the inconvenience of the tolls and expensing, but at least I wouldn't have to buy a new one.

What else had me annoyed and flustered? Well, I had intended to bring all of my photographic gear including tripod so I could do some nighttime HDR photography at the new Disney resort after work. I was really excited for it, since I decided earlier in the week one of the reasons I am so lost and unfocused lately is because...well, I have nothing to focus on! So when I get to my hotel in Orlando, I realized...I totally forgot the damned tripod. So frustrating. Oh, and an item I had taken out to bring with me, to demo for work? Yea, left that too.

@#!$!#@$!#@$#@!$#@!$#@!$#@!$#@!$#@!$#@!

I've been putting off making a "pack" list for my travels, that has different variables for the locations I am going and if I am planning any side trips or ventures, just to have something solid and concrete to make the packing process faster, and make it so I don't have to rely on my crap ass memory to remember everything.

As soon as I finish this lengthy and venting blog post, I will start on said list.

Thanks for reading my long rambles...it's been a long time since I've been able to write out something like this, and it's been honestly very refreshing and helpful. The same way that I think getting back into my photography will help, I also think that getting back into writing my thoughts will help...hence this blog!